Heinrich Noddascam was a brave and beautiful soul. He came to the land of the free and home of the rich in order to improve his fortunes When he realized how dearly his new home country needed a free-of-charge goods and services provider, however, he gave selflessly to create the fine company whose site you visit today.
We here at Noddascam, Inc. want to honor the legacy of this fine man. As such, we present to you a completely unabridged statement of the late Mr. Noddascam that we feel speaks as much to our mission today as it did back when he gave it.1
“Alright, is everyone here? Did Antonio get his lazy, good-for nothing [censored]2[censored]3 in here? Alright, thank [censored]3 God. Quiet down, people.
“It has come to my attention that we have a few nay-sayers in here. That there are some who think that what we do here is ‘unethical’. Yes Maureen, I am looking at you on purpose, you [censored]3[censored]2. [censored]3.
“What you [censored]3 fail to understand is the real scope of what we do here. I mean, technically, nothing we do is illegal. Well, almost nothing, [censored]4 aside. Everything we do to these [censored]5 people is laid out in the terms and conditions we make ‘em sign! Not that anyone reads those things6, but that sure ain’t our [censored]3 fault! What we do to them, we tell them we’ll do, and that’s that.
“Let’s not forget that we are not a charity here. We need to make a profit here, so Antonio can feed the fifty [censored]3 mouths he’s got at home. We got our bottom line to think of here.
“So to sum it all up: [censored]3 the customers, [censored]3 you all, and [censored]3 this [censored]3 country!”
Huh. In retrospect, this probably should have been kept as an internal motivational piece. How about you go look at one of our other pages and think nice thoughts about our company? Or you could just…
- 1Heinrich Noddascam made this statement in August of 2012.
- 2We apologize for our inability to include this segment, as it includes a word considered derogatory and offensive. Please try to understand this unfortunate choice of words in the historical context of the time this statement was given.7
- 3We at Noddascam pride ourselves on professionalism. As such, we will not be including any swears, cusses, or other such naughty profanities used by Mr. Noddascam in the heat of the moment.
- 4We at Noddascam pledge that we are not engaging in any illegal activities at the present moment. Allegations that the embarkation on of new illegal activities is under consideration are so ridiculous we refuse to even address them.
- 5We are almost 99% sure he said “wonderful, intelligent, and good-looking” here.
- 6We hold to this statement today. We completely understand that you may not have time to read a several page document. Don’t worry about it too much!
- 7Which, as a reminder, was 2012. It was a different time!